A new kind of understanding. Of myself, what connection actually feels and looks like. What it means to love the woman that I am.
Last week I traveled to Joshua Tree for a Spiritual Nature Immersion with my teacher. It was the most magical and beautiful experience that I’ve ever had. There were parts of me that were unsure, nervous, timid walking into this deeper work. My intention in going into this week was to truly find myself and stand up for myself.
I had forgotten about that intention until I was talking about it with my husband earlier today sharing more about my experience there. My teacher was graceful, kind and provided the most beautiful loving, safe space for me to be able to show up in all of my purity. What I received is something that I really cannot even put into words. I saw myself, the deepest parts of myself that have been wanting to give up on this life. I’d been back in that circular motion of wanting to close my eyes and not wake up anymore. It was too hard and I felt as though nothing I do would ever be enough. A feeling I’m very familiar with and had carried with me most of my life. That part of me that just wanted this to be over showed up. The thoughts of ‘what the fuck am I doing here?’ Thoughts of when will this be over, can’t we just hurry up, can’t we just stop this right now. I’m good, all is good, this is good enough.’
And then, my true self emerged. After fighting it, dipping my toes in the sand and having that pull of the back and forth come through, take me deeper, no wait that’s too deep, I don’t know if I can do this. The power came in and through. I saw the ceiling open up and it was as if the gateway to heaven had been opened and I felt the presence of Angel Michael come through. And as I was sitting there, trying to go deeper, wondering am I even doing all of this right, the light sprinkles of water came in and I could feel them on my face. I smiled for just a moment. Ah, there you are Oshun – the beautiful Orisha of the sweet waters and of self love. I sensed her presence and I still questioned whether this is where I wanted to be. Is this what it’s supposed to look like? The energy was building and I could sense that things were getting different.
The tools were all laid out at my feet. There was a plan on how to get me to shift and to open myself up to find myself again. As I rushed back and forth to the bathroom, in panic, in worry, in confusion and wonder when will the shift happen or can this just end…I got up and went over to the basil and rose water and dipped my fingers in. As I brought my fingertips to my face and washed the water over myself, I began to open. Without even really realizing what was happening.
And then, I laid down on the couch and the most magical thing I have ever witnessed happened. I felt pieces of me be put back together. It was as if someone had taken two electrical cords and plugged them back together and the rush of electricity began to run through my body. This was the turning point. I thought that my teacher had done something. It must have been him because something like that doesn’t just happen. And then I knew. My love for myself had been woven back together. As I write this I imagine being woven together like a baby in a mother’s womb. Something was put back together. This was the connection I had been seeking.
I opened my eyes and was taken outside and there was the most resounding peace and joy in my heart. The kind that is written in the stars and that so many of us don’t get to experience because we are too busy chasing it. And what we are chasing isn’t even nearly as good, as pure as what is possible.
I love the woman I am. I love the inner critic, the extra skin on my body, the self-doubt, the smile that sets people at ease, my inner guidance system that has been with me since birth, how amazing of a mother I am. It was all washing over me. As I stepped into the sand and felt the beads beneath my feet, I understood. I felt gratitude, love and joy at the deepest levels. I understood that what I’d been chasing after for so long could never compare to what is actually possible.
What we seek, isn’t out there. And I’ve been saying these words for years and had a knowing that it wasn’t out there. With the little voice in the back of my head, you’re telling people this but do you actually know this? Do you really believe this at your core? To actually experience it and to know it now at the deepest levels of my DNA, is bliss.
The me before, would have done anything to hold onto this feeling, afraid it would slip between my fingers if I didn’t hang onto it. With a closed fist though we don’t allow anything in or out. I know now that it’s available to me at all times and it’s available to me because I am love. We are all love. It’s nothing something we have to fight for or prove ourselves for or do more for. We just are. We are love. Everything we want and desire is available at our fingertips and no matter amount of money, things, people will ever change that. Our strength is in finding our selves, remembering who we are, who we came to be.
This connection that we’re all actually seeking is so much more than what we know as humans. It’s something that is absolutely possible and available to us though when we begin the journey to discover. To open ourselves and allow ourselves to heal, receive and be open to what is possible.
This was the most joyful healing experience I’ve ever had. People have asked me how my trip went and it looked really great. It was really great and so much more.
I found me. I stood up for me. I love me. And isn’t that what we really want?