The Diary of a Human and the Soul

I was sitting in meditation tonight, as I often do and it came to me. The complexity of being a human during this time and space is just that complex. And maybe it seems that it’s that much more complicated for the soul to be here during this time – of which it chose to come and experience human life. I’ve spent much of this time trying to figure out what is this life, who am I? What is it that I want to do. I’ve spent the last 39 years working on figuring out what this life is.

And as expected, as soon as I picked up my computer to just write, the inspiration I had received just moments ago in my meditation, the Ego of my humanness comes up. Don’t write. You can’t do that. This isn’t the thing. People are still not going to listen to you. 

What if I don’t write for the people who won’t listen, but the people who are also in living in this complex world trying to find their way because they are like me – multifaceted, wandering around on this planet Earth trying to find their way, often feeling alone (but we don’t talk about that or bring that up, like really talk about that), yet surrounding ourselves with people and things because that’s what we’ve been taught to do. The more we have – people, things, money, shiny stuff the better we are.

What if the point of all of this is to remember who we are? Our truth? To just be in the experience of. I worry that my words will be misunderstood or maybe too much or maybe just too out there, it’s not possible for others to actually understand. What if I am truly alone on this journey and what I write is of nothing that makes sense. 

Do you hear the back and forth – the battle of the ego and the soul? The ego wants to keep us safe, keep us on the track that we’ve learned and that is safe, versus the soul who is here for the purpose of finding the truth and experiencing the joy of living. To be a part of a world where there can be more love, more joy, more laughter, more connection and see’s beyond what is considered “reality”. 

Most of my life I’ve spent escaping reality. My first love was people, specifically the adults in my life. Having to be surrounded with them because being with people of my age, well I just never fit. As much as I tried and really just wanted to, it was easier to stay smaller, to stay hidden within the shadows, to stay quiet. I learned that from the adults too, just to observe more.

My second love quickly became TV. I spent hours in my room, watching the movies on ABC, getting lost in the stories, wishing I could be some of the women I saw on TV. Even in the scarier movies because at least people were watching, they were seen.

My third love turned into relationships, escaping into the first man that I thought would save me. With him, I had purpose. In fact I didn’t even know he existed or that being in this relationship with him that he may actually like me until it was pointed out to me by one of the adults in my life. And once I found out that was a possibility, it was game on to get him to be mine. To notice me, to love me, to save me from the life I was living because not many people knew what was really going on in the inside of my head or at home. And even though at the time it was all normal, it wasn’t until later in life I saw that destruction and the events that brought forth my ego even stronger, to keep me safe. 

My next love quickly turned into what to me was drugs (marijuana). Now mind you this was 20 years ago and I was a good girl, until I was introduced to this escape of reality by yet another man that I had to have because he was going to take me away. Maybe save me like they did in the movies that I watched on TV. And then because I was the good girl who still followed the rules, it turned from the drug to alcohol. Which depending on who you ask could still be considered a drug. Alcohol though because my new best friend and I couldn’t live without it. It gave me the courage, the friends, the bravery, the “vulnerability”. I thought then, that maybe I could finally belong. 

To escape the reality of the presence of now. And I lived in the past for years, telling my story over and over again to anyone who would listen. That paired with the alcohol my victim could shine and you would understand why I was the way I was. There is where I could get the love, the attention and you would get it. 

As I look back, I see the conflict of my soul and humanness. Always feeling like I didn’t quite fit in. I believe and see now there are so many of us who feel this way, even if it didn’t look like it from the outside looking in. A journey of coming back to the truth. 

I got lost even again when I finally got sober. I was married, a Mom and there was still a scratch I couldn’t quite itch. This is when I started looking for more, where else could I find the high, the connection, the fairy tale ending that I had wanted so much. Isn’t that the point of it all? Find the happiness when I had the husband, the house, the job (oh boy there’s been a lot of those), the friends, the money (which has always come and gone). It’s all come and gone again to find me still standing there left with…MYSELF. The next obsession became personal development. Digging deeper into who I am, if I could find the answer, THE KEY to unlocking it all, then maybe I would have it all figured out. THEN, I would feel whole, complete, I’d get to the end of the line and then I could check it off the box and continue to go on my merry way. 

If you really knew me, you’d know that my mind is complex and there are a lot of really crazy things that run through it. There have been a lot of big dreams, a lot  of thought, a lot of worry, a lot of inspiration that fades as quickly as it comes. 

So what is the point? It’s a journey that we get to continue to navigate and love ourselves through. Find compassion and come back here to the now. Being in the present moment and finding the love for ourselves that we desire from out there. 

I don’t know, maybe I’m not a coach, maybe I’m not a writer or a speaker. I get to keep waking up and walking the journey though to continue on the discovery. And I get to keep showing up and reminding myself that the joy of living is in the here and now. It’s not when I get somewhere, get something or someone. It’s here in the presence of now. It’s one of the hardest places we find ourselves to be and it’s the most rewarding. 

I felt compelled to share these thoughts with you. Even if it doesn’t make sense, to share the message that we’re all going through this life together and with ourselves connected to a power that is not of this tangible 3D world. I get to be here to share my experience with you. To remind you, while it’s complex it can be enjoyed and there isn’t anything you’re doing necessarily right or wrong, it just is. I know I know that probably pisses you off, it did me too for a long time. There are still days it does. One thing that someone ( more than just one actually) told me time and time again – “You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be” and I hated that saying. Being right here is not where I wanted to be. I wanted to be “there”. Like ya know THERE. 

I don’t know what will come of this inspiration and message tonight, I have an inkling that my story gets to be shared with you and if it resonates, great. If it doesn’t, that’s ok too. I just knew I had to scratch this itch and share it with you. To provide some sort of hope. 

When I’m asked who do I want to help, how do i want to help them or when someone asks about my story, I have to stop and ask, which part? It’s multi-faceted. There’s many dimensions and even though I’ve come to accept I cannot help everyone and at this point I don’t. I do want to help those who are ready because they feel like too much and there’s so much to their story they’re not sure where to start. Those who know there’s a deeper, place for them to be and have that itch they can’t quite scratch but know there is more, even though they don’t know what that more looks like.

With me, I see you, I hear you, I get you and I love you.


The Human and the Soul

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